Junior's Journal #3: Medicate or Withdraw?

When does enough become enough? New job, new house, new car, new phone? So much of American culture is based on selling you something you probably don't need at best, and at its worse its plainly trying to take advantage of you.

And when someone finally sees all the poison that's passed around and sees through the illusions and sees reality?

Maybe the reason I've struggled so much is because I've tried for so long to live outside my own reality. To live in illusion. To medicate myself through the hard times when I should just realize I am who I am for a reason. That I have these feelings, these depressions and anxieties, for a purpose. Instead of medicating myself through them, instead of thinking that there is something wrong with me, maybe I need to see myself for how and who I am and change what I'm doing.

Maybe something needs to change, be it a value, a perspective, my environment, and I'll be happier for it, or maybe this is just how I'm wired. Maybe I'm just naturally inclined to be deep, purposeful, and just need a deeper meaning in how I spend my time in order to be happy. Maybe I can't survive as a wage slave. Maybe I have to give up everything to feel like my life has meaning. The job, the house, the partner. I'll live out of my car. But that raises a question.

If I don't have anything, but I have meaning, does that mean I have everything?

I want so bad to just withdraw. To disappear from everything that wants anything from me. I want to engage with the world on my own terms. Be alone except when I want company. I want peace.

I want sex. Pleasure. That'll never change. But I don't want companionship like I did just a year ago. I'm tired of people in thinking that I'm unhinged because I want a kid.

People on Reddit say 'the only thing people in their thirties want is children'—yeah, because we know being a company person isn't what it cracked up to be. I see things like 'why do people want this' and other posts that are like a backhanded way to vilify someone for wanting a family. But wanting a family is normal. Stop living out of touch with reality and bashing other people for their biology.

What isn't normal is being a wage slave career person. How satisfying is that really? In thirty years when you are all alone in a retirement home and all of your family is dead because you never made your own?

Congrats, you were a career oriented person. I bet (insert big company name here) will thank you when you've sacrificed not just pay and lifestyle for the company BUT YOUR WHOLE LIFE AND YOUR LEGACY.

But it's not just companies like that. It's the whole system. It's the government. The world is full of people and organizations and things that just want to take advantage of other people. Tax slaves. Wage slaves. They're the same exploited people.

The external world is only interested in what it can take from me and you and what benefits it can get. I can see the fakeness and I can see that reality. It sickens me. That's why I want to withdraw. That's why I want to live out of my car.