There was a time when 'we' grew louder than 'me'.

Relationships. They can bring out the best of us, the worst of us, or hollow us out. This article is a reflective sharing and teaching on staying loyal to yourself.

Don't take this wrong; it is important that your partner be a priority in your life, but they should never be the purpose of it. And the reason for this is multi-faceted.

Compromising your values and putting your own needs aside, even if you've convinced yourself it's just temporarily, will only create resentment down the road. It's a slow burn that grows stronger as the years of 'what if's begin to build up inside you. At first, you'll be dissatisfied with your partner, and then you'll be dissatisfied with yourself.

I know what it's like trying to look at each day optimistically and hold out hope that if you can just help your partner get through this one problem that's holding them back they'll turn around and meet your needs, but the truth of the matter is that them changing their trajectory to then focus on you is not a guarantee. If you're like how I was, I would guess that it is a guarantee that you're unhappy right now. Even if you're not, you still need to ask yourself this one question:

Am in love with this person as they are right now, or am I in love with the idea of what they could become?

I know the path that self-sacrifice takes you down. As those 'what if' questions build up, you'll start to wonder if your partner understands you or if they even have the ability or capacity to ever fulfill your needs. After that, it gets worse. You'll begin to even question yourself. Your own values and convictions. The things that you need.

Feelings of emptiness will abound. But if these things were important to you wouldn't you stand up for them? Not always. When you value a relationship more than you value yourself you're destined for disappointment. Your self-value will plummet, and no relationship is worth feeling miserable about yourself. Above all, you must always remember:

I'm the one that has to live with myself.

In any relationship there has to be some level of give and take, and if it's all give its no wonder you're running on empty. If the word 'boundaries' becomes a recurring excuse to shield themself from making important compromises or having important conversations with you, it might be time for you to put up a boundary of your own. It's called self-respect.

But regaining your self respect, your sense of self, and regrounding yourself isn't as easy as it sounds. It's a long, hard process of discovering what has happened to the very core of your being and working your way through it. It's about forgiving yourself, recognizing what hasn't been healthy for you, and slowly running up that hill.

What has really helped me in my journey is twofold: Meditation and disconnecting from the outside world.

When you stop listening to all the news feeds and noise outside yourself and spend time every day to listen to those quiet whispers inside you, marvelous things happen. You start to see not only what isn't working for you in the relationship, but you begin to discover even bigger truths about yourself.

Using meditation as a routine to look inward, examine your own thoughts and feelings, helps you redefine what your values are. Couple that with shutting off the phone, or ditching a smartphone and going Light like I did (and still am) for an extended period, and you'd be surprised what you might find within yourself.

If that means you aren't compatible with your partner any more, so be it. You'll be much better off. Trust me.

"Love is not transactional, but relationships are." - The Minimalists

~ J.R.